On my recent trip to Kampala, couldn't help but get so annoyed by so many things and I decided to compile some of the most annoying things.
The ‘I’m-always-in-the-papers-and-nightclubs-so-I-guess-I’m-a-celeb’ kind!
They pout their lips for the cameras, always have their faces in tabloids and insult the age-old profession called modelling by calling themselves models. So “Glamour girl” Daphne, where is the glamour in throwing bottles on peoples’ heads in night clubs? And why is it that the artistes often reffered to as “Singing Sensation” are never really that? When was the last time you saw Judith Heard on the catwalk? How come she is still referred to as a model and is often media fodder? Ok. So she gave birth to twins...now what?
Salvador and his cousins
The secret sweetheart for most housewives, maids and TV junkies a few weeks back was Salvador Cerinza. He walked in with his long hair cascading over his shoulders, looked into one of the female actress’ eyes and uttered his one liner in his usual assuring tone; “Don’t worry, soon you will know the truth.” Miles away in Kiwatule a 30-something year old man is glued to the screen to the “nail biting drama” unfolding. Meanwhile a maid taken up by the soap has burnt the dinner she was preparing. A wife has totally ignored her husband’s narration about his day at work. All because of a Mexican who, according to the plot, died ages ago but returned to earth mysteriously as a chauffeur and part time house help cum factory worker. Thank goodness it ended. Unfortunately, our grief hasn’t, what with La Tormenta, Gardener’s Daughter etc. Whatever happened to load shedding?
You would be blind to miss the lot. Not with their company cars that are parked strategically in front of a bar so that you know they are around. You see, they work for a “serious” company. Some even wear their company tags to Ange Noir. Try listening in to their chatter when they are having a drink at a “high end” bar: “Man, Obama’s tax cuts, if he is not careful, could backfire on him.” Meanwhile, their date who happens to be a fresher from MAK is nodding away in “agreement”.
Arsenal supporters“Fabregas to Denilson, who side steps his marker and passes the ball to Clichy, who has crossed a neat ball for Robin Van Persieeee! Oh my God, he has missed it!” Story of their last four seasons. Good football, nil trophies. And when it comes to their supporters, it’s the rowdiest bunch you will ever bump into.
From Alzawadi’s to Barbeque Lounge. From Uchumi to Nakumatt. From Ange to T1. The list is endless! There are those of us who love to visit the latest hot bar, shopping mall or night club, go wild over it and after a few months, abandon it for the latest hot thing. Wait when a mad man starts a sheep race, then Munyonyo Goat Race will definitely be history and everyone will be cheering sheep!
White people pleasers
Kakaire is at a party at the British Embassy chatting with Mukasa about Mengo’s sagas. All of a sudden, Mukasa spots O’Brien coming over to join them. Mukasa totally ignores Kakaire’s yap about federo. “O’Brien, you’re alright, mate? I was in Manchester recently; it was bloody cold men…”
Mukasa, shut up.
Poor customer care
You enter a boutique to buy an item and you are met by shop attendants who stare at you for a moment. Then continue chatting about how Salvador is a hunk. You go to an eatery, ask the waiter whether the food is still hot and you’re met with a “Why don’t you check it yourself?” stare. Who hires these people?
The lights are green, I get ready to move and I’m met by a stern policeman blowing his whistle at me telling me not to move an inch. But the lights are green! Meanwhile, the Utoda official is waving at me angrily, telling me to drive on. “Can’t you see the light is green? Which school did you go to?” Budo perhaps.
Polyphonic what-the-heck-is-that ringtones
A whole manager is in a board meeting, discussing important business with his fellow board members. Then he receives a call. “You are the bread andi butter/Bread andi butter/Oli Mugati gwa butter…”
“I will spend Shs0 but urgently need to talk to you” kind of people
If only telecoms charged Shs50 for any beep that goes to their network, I bet there would be no need for any promotions or airtime giveaways to get people to call. These people have perfected the art of beeping that you don’t even hear the beep. You are alerted by the flashing light on your phone and the alert “1 Missed call”. Even those who owe you money have the audacity to beep you, for you to call them, and if you do, they will inform you that they can’t pay you.
Boda boda riders
There has never been a quicker way to die on our roads than stepping on a boda.
And the most annoying thing is that however much you avoid them, there will be that one time you will need to use one and pray to God it won’t be fatal! They are one necessary evil. These men never wear helmets – despite a police directive to do so, they crash into people’s side mirrors but never stop and if you knock one of them, they are never at fault. It’s always you to blame. They put up their stages anywhere including in front of your home. And try removing them. They will remind you of their constitutional right to do whatever they please coupled with shouts of “Besigye oye, oye!”
Sad radio show callers
They call into radio shows and go on to sing Miss Independent for Shs5,000. Or at times call in to air their views about topics like why women depend on men and five seconds into their tirade…tee tee….their airtime has run out. And then there are those who make it a point to call in religiously. Ring ring.
“Yap who is this?”
“Fatti Boyi, this is Quiet Storm callingi for ze foce time.”
Quiet Storm, why don’t you save your airtime?
Potholes, of course
They stare at you like a three-year-old with no teeth. The competition for the only tarmac available on the Bugolobi road is so high. One has to leave the office early to beat it. You have to drive in zig-zag fashion to avoid ending up in them. And as you are manoeuvering … “Wee, wee, wee…” A convoy of Hon John Nasasira, Minister for Works and Transport, is passing by so you have to give way.
The unbelievable radio adverts“The best place to find love is in a supermarket. Roy and I met in a supermarket. You can find virtually everything in Kenjoy Supermarket...” You must be kidding right?
Those not perturbed by anything
You complain about the roads, they simply say, “Cheer up, Zimbabweans are starving. At least you had a meal.” You are angry at the traffic policeman for the way he is handling the traffic and he quips, “At least you own a car. Imagine a pregnant mother out there in a taxi, with no one to help.” Jeez, what planet are you from?
- Geoffrey T. Muhoozi is a Ugandan trained Public Relations Practitioner and Journalist. He Studied at Makerere University Kampala and read Mass Communication with a bias in Public Relations. In between the course, he studied the Art of Public Speaking. He joined Uganda’s Leading Daily, The New Vision during his second year and practiced journalism till he left for The United Kingdom.In the UK, he persued an NCC International Diploma in Computing at London College of Business Studies and Computing. He went on to do a Masters Degree in Business Administration [MBA]specialsing in Marketing. In spite of being in The United Kingdom, he still contributes for The New Vision and The Sunday Vision newspapers when time allows.